Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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