The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
