I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
