I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
