We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
