Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize