I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
