The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
