i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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