I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
