Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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