remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
