I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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