We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize