the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
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I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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