is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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