I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
