Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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