we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
