I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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