Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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