is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
