So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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