The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
