I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
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His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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