The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
