sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
