just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
