Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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