how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
