I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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