there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
