in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
smell my finger.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
