I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
