I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
