Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
