Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
