oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
