I met the friendliest cop last night
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It's shark week go big or go home
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
