How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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