i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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