We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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