Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
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i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
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Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
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