So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
