remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
