dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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