...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
