just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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