I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
