one might say we're banned from that church
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
