Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
