I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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