I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
