So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
