I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
