At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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