So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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