Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
